i reach out and there's nothing there but emptiness and old, stale memories.

there's nothing to bind her closer to me. nothing tangible for me to revisit in my head over and over again till i drive myself nuts for the sheer disbelief of it. nothing. nil. zero. zilch.

i'm ashamed to say the last i met her was in october 2004. when she came down specially to holland v to 'celebrate' my bday with mei with a Starbucks tiramisu dessert. that's the person she is (i refuse to use was)--someone who'll go all the way out just to meet up even if it was only for a short while.

i remember she mentioned getting a new flat. i remember telling her she must have a house-warming so we cld see her new place. i can't remember for sure, but i think they brought their wedding photos. she was still so happy. so contented. you could feel the golden contentment rolling off in warm waves. she was smiling. she was laughing.

i think i spoke to her a few more times after that. once on the phone. i called, we chatted for a while, but she was on her way out and in a hurry. i msged her during one of my lonely, borning lunches while i was still with Rodeo... said we had to meet up with Mei and Caroline.

and we did arrange one meeting. which i cancelled.

aza: "let's not wait till another 2yrs to meet again." yes, i agree

lizhen: ".. cos can't afford to lose anothe friend, liao :( " yes, i agree

viable, die-able age ... and i thought we would not reach that for a gd 10 more years at least.

and so it hit. around 10am this morning and i just had to talk to someone, to hear a friendly voice, to know someone's as confused and hurt as i am.

trying to grapple with that sudden influx of high emotion on my own was just too much to handle, too lonely, too overwhelming.

thank you, mei.

and yet, even now. i still can't believe it. it still doesn't feel real to me. it isn't denial--we aren't that young anymore. it's disbelief.. WHY??!? WHY WHY and WHY!??

will we ever know?

i find myself trying, trying, trying so hard to imagine how it must have felt those few moments before.. but.i.can't.

what does it take? how could you feel THAT persecuted, THAT cornered, THAT lost, THAT desperate? why did you my darling one?

i loved you, even if i didn't call much. i loved you, even if i didn't see you much. i love, loved and still love you..

fragile like a flower that withers in winter's icy blast.

i remember thinking at the wedding - she's found peace. at last and, different from jo's wedding where i was delirious with happiness, i was satisfied and contented with a deep-seated calm--she's found what she's always wanted

so much changes in one year. so much can sour in one year. were there signs we did not see? clues we missed?

i'm not sure if i should be feeling this numb. i believe the reality of it all has not sunk in, has not dug it's sharp, little claws into me. i wonder if i would rather be reeling from disbelief or floating in suspended time.

this feels like a bad, bad, bad dream, that i know will not go away when i wake up in the morning. i will still go to work and the day will unfold like normal, but i will be carrying a little bag of tightly-tied disbelief and raw, gnawing horror with me..afraid to open it. afraid to know it's real.