tonight was comfort, solace, and a lot of love. i will be strong in this because it's not just a me, but a 'we'.

thank you, caroline, and dear, this is the poem i was talking about tonight..

SLOW DANCE

Have you ever watched kids On a merry-go-round? Or listened to the rain Slapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight? Or gazed at the sun into the fading night? You'd better slow down. Don't dance so fast. Time is short. The music won't last.

Do you run through each day On the fly? When you ask "How are you?" Do you hear the reply? When the day is done Do you lie in your bed With the next hundred chores Running through your head? You'd better slow down Don't dance so fast. Time is short. The music won't last.

Ever told your child, We'll do it tomorrow? And in your haste, Not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch, Let a good friendship die Cause you never had time To call and say "Hi"? You'd better slow down. Don't dance so fast. Time is short. The music won't last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere You miss half the fun of getting there. When you worry and hurry through your day, It is like an unopened gift.... Thrown away. Life is not a race. Do take it slower Hear the music Before the song is over.

we have no right to deal out blame. we have no right to judge or censor. and yet we can't help but point the finger and be so furious, so angry. perhaps like mei said--it's too hard to comprehend. i don't think we can or will ever understand. all we can do is to leave understanding behind and move on. but it's tough, so bloody bloody tough.

i feel like a glass vial..brim full with tears and equally fragile. i'm glad for work because it keeps my mind busy, my attentions elsewhere. but the instant i'm free i start thinking of her.

baby steps. that's what it's going to take. but, at least i know there are others holding my hands along the way.

still haven't touched the class photos. don't trust myself.. don't know if i'm strong enough yet. but there are other reminders of her at home that had slipped my mind..

the limited edition berry set of bodyshop bath things she gave me for my birthday in year2--i remember her passing it to me in her Temasek hall room. i remember telling her how much i like berry smells. i remember her replying how they are her favourite scents too. i remember loving it so much i told myself i won't use it. i don't think i'll ever will now.

i opened my drawer today looking for something and came upon a small patterned sling pouch she gave me in VJ. she had just gone for a trip to thailand and had bought souveniors for a few of us in the class. i was touched, thinking: did i mean enough to her for her to buy me something?

i was sorting through my clothes today. thinking of what old and not so precious stuff i could wear for next wk's trip to phuket and i came across a blue and white floral sundress i'd worn only once because it felt a little too indecently short and because some 'ah beng' hit on me when i was wearing it and traumatised me. then i remembered, she was with me when i bought it at one of the boutiques along the wisma basement stretch heading towards takashimaya. i don't think that boutique is there any longer.

suddenly i'm overwhelmed at all the memories we had created together. suddenly i'm recalling how much time we'd actually spent together in vj stoning at the class bench, or at least i was the one stoning, she was always the hardworking one--we being the only two in the class with the really weird combi of Lit, History and C Math.

i remember the one time she came over to my place to work on possibly one of the best P6 History presentations i'd ever done. we'd worked so hard on it. we'd been so meticulous. i was so proud. i cldn't have achieved it without her--we were a good combi.

and like mei, i too remember her handwriting.

unassuming, selfless, encouraging, steadfast to my flightiness. she anchored me, kept me centered on who i was when i was with her.

i adored her.