i am somewhere between sad/depressed/melancholic and satisfied/contented/happy tonight..

this pivot i live on that is my life gets tiring at times..

and weirdly i've been thinking of Tan Hwee Hwee's Mammon Inc. i think it's an exellent book..

truth is i feel guilty for not updating this as often as i feel i would like to. i think it's the usual case of having gone soft and lazy.. the desire to update is conflicting with the equally strong desire to leave it be. but, too much time and energy have been invested into this site for me to abandon it utterly.. although, looking at past entries, i can't help but feel a little wistful: where did all that passion/energy go to? i read the archives and i say to myself - this speaks of care, love and investment.. now? sigh

i admire those people who are able to keep up the same, consistent level of blogging for a lengthy period of time. i remember the time when i was going on about not having found my blog 'voice' and then going on again, when i felt i had found 'it' .. now i'm not too sure again. i don't feel at the level as when i found 'it' and yet i'm not at a level where i feel dissatisfied. perhaps 'voices', even the 'found' ones mature and grow? one thing for certain is the current 'voice' has evolved - better? worse? i can't decide.. it's more a matter of 'it just is' now..

heh.. on a lighter note, it's good to know i am still being read grin finally, i know who this mysterious person on my webcounter details is, i think..

for hundreds of people out there, they would have had (or will have had by the end of the next week) the last (exam) paper of their life. not me. i can share their elation to a certain extent, today's german being the last paper, but only for this sem. i still have another 6 more mths or so to go till the ominous end...

but truth is, i'm loath to stop studying, to graduate, to go to school no longer.. i like school. never thought i would ever say that but yes, i do like school. i like doing essays, i like spending hours in the library scouting for books (though as a friend and i agreed, looking at a pile of books on our desks is far more satisfying compared to ploughing through tens of thousands of words). heck! i even like attending lectures depending on lecturer and the module and sometimes friends..

and i especially like german. deciding to jump ship and drop soci to take up with euro again has got to be one of my best decisions so far in this life. great Lehrerins, great friends several of whom i've seen for 3 consecutive sems and will continue to see next sem.. that's 2 AYs together. how cool is that?

the only thing now is: how would it feel going to sch next sem knowing that almost all the people and friends i've gone to school with for the past 3 years are no longer there. no more familiar faces of my batch unless they are honours pple.. it's kind of a weird thought for me now, but i guess i'll 'adapt', not that i'll be difficult, just weird..

and sigh i still can't find that song from kenshin grrr