the reality of sch is beginning to hit me.. the illusion and safe cushion of the hols and pre-tutorial sch is evaporating rapidly.

already, i've got homework.. already i've got readings to zap, books to buy and read..

the bump and grind has begun.

only thing is i feel sluggish. like i've had enough of all this.. i see the newbie freshies and it's an effort not to go "AHHHHH freshman" sighhhh...

old, jaded, tired.. and yet am in two minds abt graduating. to grad is to work. to not grad is to con't studying.. and both prospects aren't very enticing at the moment..

to not dwell and write, is to move on.. in theory. in reality..

then, i never know how to make the jump from sad entry to back-to-normal entries.. everything's so disconnected, disjointed. and yet, if i don't attempt to make that change, whenever i come here, i am reminded.. and for a while at least i just want to not remember..

current favs:

Sullivan Street/ Round Here - Counting Crows Like a Pill - Pink The Shining/ Abt a Boy soundtrack - Badly Drawn Boy What a Wonderful this will be - Sam Cooke Eternity - Robbie Williams Walking after you - Foo Fighters

is it considered running away when you do your best to stop thinking abt something that hurts?

do you give in to the pain and grief or do you try to stem it, moderate the ache?

should you sit at your comp early into the new day and cry.. when no one can see you? and hopefully not hear you? because you don't want to add to their grief too, knowing that everyone's also hurting..

so maybe, perhaps all that's left is routine.. to do the usual stuff, to live life as you've always lived it.. do the things you have to do..

..like to take care of the ones that are left and dwell on and live for the living..

do they know? do they miss her too?

i think they do..