joy is golden sunshine flooding through stained glass windows reflecting off white-washed walls. joy is also seeing a friend glowing, radiant and happy.
happiness is witnessing a friend finally being with the person she loves, seeing her smile, knowing she's happy.
this one was a long time in waiting, but one that's finally here. congrats dear, and be happy.
this week started out bad, bad in the deep numbness that comes of fear and the quiet but weighty stillness of sadness way of feeling bad.
i think, the older you are, the more you understand your parents, the more things you realise, the deeper the hurt and sadness.. why is it the people close to you are the ones who wield the power to wound mightily? why don't some wounds heal, even with time?
sometimes, the best time can do is to distance one from the past. time does not heal, human nature never forgets, sometimes the hurt just runs too deep.
what can i do to ease that pain other than with love? and even so, sometimes that's not enough. when one carries a huge pain one's whole life, like a tenacious weed, the roots are hard to pull..
it was the sort of fear i've hardly felt--the sort where your fingers go cold, your blood drains, you hear your pulse thudding in your head.. fear is one of the hardest things to control. you fight it, you ignore it, you try to squeeze it into a tiny tiny ball and hide it away somewhere below your heart.. sometimes it works, for a while it almost goes away, but a lapse in concentration and cold fear washes over you again.
rationally i've told myself, there's nothing to worry till there is something to worry about--it keeps me sane, it keeps be relatively happy, and so far nothing's happen, so good.
however, all said, the amazing power of what binds a family is really quite stunning. after deep hurt, comes amends. not in big obvious ways, but little jokes, little actions, little deeds, which indicate someone is trying to mend the bridge.
it is an awesome power that moves me to tears, that comforts me, even if we all know the true hurt still remains somewhere deep down.
so the storm passes, for now. and hopefully next week will be a happier one.