smidgen of [eternity]

i'm kinda feeling a little lost... something like wandering round in circles wishing that there was a point in anything...

i've taken to listening to my MP3s again when on the comp.. i think it's an indication of my mood/ state of mind... i don't usually listen to music when i'm doing work because i think contrary to what science says, i must use my 'artistic' side of the brain to think ... so the theory that soft music ought to be piped during lectures to occupy that 'artistic' side of the brain so that the other can listen attentively to the lecturer doesn't work with me...

i've found too that i only listen to music when i feel like i need to fill up a gap... brain's all in a whirl too... can't seem to settle down to thinking abt one thing. it's like a slideshow in there... a different picture each time.. it's frustrating... and music calms because it prob takes up my entire brain just to listen...

also, in an intricate twisting, i think my mood's got something to do with the fact that i thought abt maisy again last night... the thinking of which must also have been due to my mood.. get me?

this time it was the time (during his last mth or so) when i finally decided: heck if he was sick... heck if he was infectious (we din really know what was wrong with him then)... heck if he was in pain... i just wanted so badly to hold him and comfort him, to let him know that i loved him... so i picked him up (gently), took a cloth (the yellow one we buried him in), took him to the room and put him on my lap.

he loved it... and i wished/wish (even now) to the depths of my soul that i had done that earlier...

did i ever mention he died the night before i was to go to bintan?

each and everytime such a memory hits me, the wounds open again and i realise i still miss him so damn much... and the pain is so acute... how to explain it? it's something like feeling my mind slide inexorably towards this precipice of pain... but i don't want to fall over and then i try my darnest (most desperate) best to think of something else, to read of something, get up and jump, go wash my face, anything, to force my mind away from that endless pit...

i usually succeed but my soul's already taken a beating, hollowed out... and i feel so damn tired, so exhausted... then i usually go to sleep and wake up next day like this... listening to music...

" After silence, that which comes nearest to
expressing the inexpressible is music." - Aldous Huxley